The
loving kindness meditation was simple, just a few phrases repeated over and
over for 10 minutes. The only thing
difficult about it was the choice of words, they don’t flow off the tongue and
I stumbled over them, so I changed it up a little bit and used words that fit
together better. I don’t think it would have a great impact on the
outcome. I used to do something similar to
this every morning when I woke up, but then life took over and I became so busy
and distracted with everything that I have to accomplish in a day that I just
stopped taking those few minutes every morning to send love out into the
world. I miss doing that. I used to do a thankful meditation as
well. I miss doing that too. This type of exercise is more my speed than a
guided meditation.
At
this point in my life, I would honestly have to say that I am in need of
interpersonal work, I did some soul searching over the past few days and when I
look at my close relationships, they are all dysfunctional. Over the years, I have given up myself to
cater to others, my kids, my husband, my friends, whom ever put demands on me;
and now I don’t know who I am. When I
find something I enjoy, no one else wants to participate with me to spend time
with me, but yet I am expected to do things with others, things they enjoy, so
that I can spend time with them. I’m not
sure if that makes sense, let me see if I can put it more simply, if I want to
spend time with my kids I have to do what they want to do, what they find enjoyable
because they don’t want to do what I enjoy, and if I say I don’t really want to
do “that” then it is taken to mean that I don’t want to spend time with them,
or if I say “I have yoga class” it is taken as yoga is more important to me than
they are….and hurt feelings follow (and this is not just my imagination, last summer I did 9 weeks of Les Mills Combat every night and my kids confided in me a few months later that they felt that I didn't want to have anything to do with them and didn't want them around...keep in mind that doing a session of combat is only 30-45 minutes out of a whole evening). With my boyfriend, if I don’t want to do what
he wants to do, that’s ok, I just don’t get time with him, and likewise, he has
no problem with me doing my own thing, which is good, but then weeks go by and
we spend little to no time together and we start drifting apart because he won’t
join me to spend time with me, and I just want a little bit of time to do
something I enjoy.
Then
the resentment sets in, I find myself feeling bitter because I have to be the one,
in all my relationships that must compromise, give up doing what I enjoy just
so I can spend time with the people I love, because there’s not enough time in
my day to do what I want to do, and what everyone else wants to do, and my
homework, and my housework; there just isn’t time, so I am the one who makes
the sacrifice (can you hear the bitterness).
I didn’t even know those feelings were there, or rather, refused to acknowledge
them, they flare up every so often but I stuff them back down, I just wanted
everyone around me to be happy, and in my mind, that is what a mom does, gives
up who she is to take care of those she loves.
I
don’t know how to start fixing this.
Hi Andie,
ReplyDeleteI first need to say that your honesty is refreshing. It sounds like you are in tune with the area that needs to be worked on. Being a mom can be challenging with the demand and the likes and dislikes of everyone's personalities. It sounds like life is crowding YOU out. I understand the need to want everyone to be happy. Is this something that you can control or is it up the each of us to find happiness and contentment. Just a thought :). I loved your blog.
Honestly Nancy, when I start focusing on my needs I feel like a narcissist...isn't that awful? It should be ok to feel that I need something for myself, but I've been so ingrained to believe that everyone comes first that I have overwhelming guilt when I start feeling resentful that I can't go to yoga because my daughter will get upset....ugh. Us mothers huh?
DeleteAndie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your feelings. I feel the same way you do, I feel like I am always putting others first.It makes me think about when I was a child, my parents, and my friends parents, all made the rules. Nowadays, I think most children run their parents lives. I don't know why, I don't know how? All I know is,, its happening.
I don't know how it happened either! I mean, even in well adjusted families, my kids are not in charge by any means, but they have the power over my time. I remember that my parents were never around, my friends parents were never around...and that's the way we liked it because parents weren't cool. My kids need me around, just waiting around for them in case they might need me at some point. It's really lovely on one hand, but exhausting on the other.
DeleteI agree with both, of you, When you have a family and is dedicated to make sure that therie life is great, it does seems to appear that you are always putting other thoughts and other needs before yours, but like I stated I am working on being there for myself. It is time we get back to loving on ourselves. Your are doing the right thing by taking care of your family, but if you do not take care on yourself who will???
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head, and you hear it over and over, you have to take care of you first because if you're not healthy, happy, and full of love, you can't pass all of that on and take care of other people. My grandma had a picture on her wall that said "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" and that is so true!
DeleteThat's pretty cool how you changed up the words to help you through the exercise. I think if it helps you understand and get through the exercise I say do what works best for you.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother and wife I understand your pain. My husband and I locked horns because I started doing things for me. Exercise is my only outlet and I'm not letting anyone take that from me. Even me being in school caused an issue. I wanted to expand my education but moy husband saw that as competition. My kids thankfully are not very demanding at this point (I have boys) but they understand I do everything in the world for them so they don't complain much.
When you get to a point to where you lose your resentment and realize you have to take care of you I promise you will feel so much better ;)
Cheers,
Ashley